Here at The David Chronicles, we have gotten many requests from you, dear readers, to interview David Archuleta. Like you, we want to know everything about him: What is his favorite color? What does he dream about at night? Does he have eggs with his cereal? And above all: Why is he so awesome?

Well, what the heck is his number? Lol. Because we’ve got no leads. So we figured we should get the next best thing to learn more out about The Archuleta: an expert opinion.

We had the honor of commissioning the esteemed psychoanalyst, Dr. Friedrich von Freudenstein, to take some time out of his busy schedule to speak with us.

TDC: Thank you so much for joining us.
Dr. Friedrich von Freudenstein: Thank you.
TDC: Now, many of our readers have been wondering: What is it that makes David tick? How is he able to be so happy so often, and find such pleasure in many things?
FvF: Yes, he is very unusual.
TDC: Indeed. And so I thought to myself, this is definitely a job for the esteemed Dr. Friedrich von Freudenstein—
FvF: —Ho ho ho! You flatter me.
TDC: No, but it is true!
FvF: Please, let’s get on with the interview.
TDC: Can you please share with us, Dr. von Freudenstein, the work you have done on Twitter?
FvF: Yes, I’ve had my team of graduate students do a systematic analysis of David’s Twitter account, “http:// twitter.com/DavidArchie.” Twitter is a very remarkable phenomenon, the latest confirmation that we are a social species. For the modern young person (and older people like me who are just now realizing its possibilities), it serves functions that were once previously fulfilled by different forms of communication: it is at once the most personal journal, the most public autobiography, and a portable digital notetaker to record one’s thoughts at any given moment. For our purposes, it provides a clear window into the brain map of Mr. Archuleta.
TDC: Mm-hmm.
FvF: Our findings were very interesting. Of his 300 tweet episodes that occurred between December 3 of last year, to February 3 of this, he sent out a total of 67 tweets about music.
TDC: Fascinating.
FvF: That means that on an average of at least once a day, not only did he think about music, but he felt it appropriate to send out a message about music to all of his 310,734 followers. The neuron connections in his brain link directly to his creative, musical side. Music always inhabits his psychic space.
TDC: Yes, we Archies are very aware of David’s affinity with music. His friends say he is always singing melodies when something reminds him. He’s like a human jukebox.
FvF: Don’t interrupt me.
TDC: Sorry, Dr. von Freudenstein.
FvF: Very well. What this tells me is that David has a real connection to music. It would not surprise me at all if he hums and sings all of the time, even when no one is watching.
TDC: Or listening.
FvF: Exactly. What this tells me is that he probably does not think much like you and I. Many of us have internal conversations with ourselves. We get up in the morning to ask ourselves, what shall I wear? What do I have to do today? Well, at least some of us do. It can be very mundane. But with David, he thinks not so much in words, but in song, and the emotions and feelings that go along with it. It gets him out of himself. Which in general, because we as a species that thrives for interaction with our surroundings, often increases one’s happiness quotient. Try to sing to yourself in the morning, even about the most mundane things, and you will see what I mean.

TDC: Dude, that’s deep.
FvF: And that brings me to the next phenomenon: his cheery disposition. An analysis of his tweets is very revealing. In his 300 tweet episodes from these past 2 months, he has used the Exclamation Point in a total of 201 episodes. And the semantic markers “haha” and “lol” in 85. Like many people his age, he is familiar with the lexemes that now pervade electronic communication, and which save people the inconvenience of typing out repetitive phrases in their entirety. I can say with scientific certainty that Mr. Archuleta laughs often.
TDC: Wow, what you can learn from science that you can’t learn elsewhere.
FvF: Next is his frequent discussion of food and exercise. Food was a topic of a total of 29 tweet episodes. Whether it was to say “Tengo hambre” or to declare “woot woot” for mamey shakes, Mr. Archuleta very often has food on his mind. First, this tells me that he delights in everyday occurrences. Second, observe if you will, the content of his diet: very few, if any, fried foods or unnecessary trans fats. Many of his culinary choices do not involve foods that have been heavily processed and are therefore closer to their original state in nature. His frequent tweet episodes about the weather also show his affinity with the natural physical world.
TDC: Yeah! David is pictured with birds in a recent Twitpic. Oh, and also David exercises a lot.
FvF: Yes, and for that there were a total of 9 tweet episodes. And he devotes much of his exercise routine to aerobics, which expands the lungs, makes the body’s systems more efficient, and leads to a higher level of energy. This, in turn, also contributes to his high “lol” quotient.
TDC: And, as David has mentioned, it also helps his breathing for when he’s singing.
FvF: Yes. And the sheer volume of tweet episodes is worthy of comment. For everyday occurrences, Mr. Archuleta finds it necessary to share his experiences with others. While those of us who are in depressed states often retreat into ourselves and cut off communication with the outside world, Mr. Archuleta reaches outward. This is evidential of a social personality. The Totoro incident was one such episode. Whatever harm was inflicted upon him through that episode, he was able to lessen his sorrow quotient by sharing a Twitpic with his fans.
TDC: Thank you so much for spending time with us at TDC.
FvF: It was my pleasure.
TDC: Is there any final thing you would like to add?
FvF: Well, if I may so bold, I would like to promote my upcoming study: David Archuleta, Of Tweet I Sing: the brain behind the man behind the music. My graduate students are hard at work preparing the final manuscript. Ho ho! Whenever I am back at University, I always see Karl und Greta in their office, playing David’s songs repeatedly to understand his neural patterns. My findings will be published this spring.

-Ronaldsf