To be perfectly honest, we never realized we had an agenda. But after so many sensible, rational fans pointed out with such convincing evidence how obvious our agenda really is, we had to be honest with ourselves and say, “Hey! You know what, guys? We really do have an agenda — a gay agenda!”
Self awareness can be so cleansing. So, now that we have figured out who we truly are, we thought it was time to share with the world just exactly what the TDC Gay Agenda actually is. We hope this will clear up any remaining questions or misconceptions about us, and help put things into perspective.
The TDC Gay Agenda
Let it be known that
- Henceforth and for all time in all regions, all gay fans of David Archuleta shall be afforded priority seating at all concert venues, and preferred access to tickets and special events shall be supplied on a gay first-come gay first-serve basis.
- Henceforth and for all time in all regions, all stylists, costume designers and hairdressers will be required to evolve the David Archuleta stage persona into that which resembles a glam-rock, guyliner wearing, Adam Lambert clone (because, as so many have so often observed, we don’t really like David Archuleta the way he already is, anyway).
- Henceforth and for all time in all regions, all lyrics in all David Archuleta songs shall be gender-neutral, implying neither specifically heterosexual or homosexual relationships. When he sings in French, David shall use neither “le” or “la” to describe inanimate objects, so as not suggest a gender preference for things like flowers or food processors.
- Henceforth and for all time in all regions, all female reveries about David Archuleta shall be confined to fantasies involving David not as a boyfriend or a husband, but as the proverbial gay best friend. TDC will supply links to reruns of the television sitcom “Will & Grace” for any females who are unfamiliar with the territory. Furthermore, any late-night online chats held in private for the purposes of salacious fantasizing about David’s physical attributes will be required to include an equal number of young, single gay men as there are mature, married women.
- Finally, and most importantly, let it be known and understood throughout the land that we hereby acknowledge as accurate the oft-proposed observation that we desperately, passionately want David to be gay. We know that wanting him to be gay will have a significant influence on his being gay, and, really: Why shouldn’t we want David to be discriminated against? To never be able to get married? To lose the support of his family and his church? Yes, those are the things we wish for David, beyond everything else.
— davidfanLiz, jackryan4da, ronaldsf, Marlie7, and Ras–oh, ha ha, there we go again, failing to acknowledge what the arbiters of the fan community have already observed: that none of the TDC team members have any real independence or voice of their own. They’re all hypnotized by Rascal! Why bother listing their names at all? Relax and look deeply… deeply into my agenda…